Trapped

Here we go again. Another doctor’s visit.

The last time the results came back that o had another infection.

I was out of work for a week.

I was stuck in bed fighting whatever microbes that wanted to use me as a home.

If he says I need ear tubes again I’ll scream. Well not out loud. That would be rude.

Oh great, he’s got the endoscope. That will be fun.

Every day every single day I have to fight just to get to what I consider normal.

The truth is I’m not normal. I’m trapped in a body that is fighting to push things out but it can’t.

Everything stays behind. Clogging things up. Leaving a thickening mess.

One day I can hear. The next it’s like I have cotton in my ears. Melodies are now masked by a constant ringing.  A world full of sound is now distorted.

One day I can breathe fine. Then next bam! I’m wheezing, my sinuses are inflamed, and asking someone to pass me a tissue.

My cough is so bad that people think I have botulism or something.

I have so much to do. I have so much to live for. Yet I’m trapped in a vessel that’s broken.

That’s why I pray. I pray for the strength to endure. I stay on knees until they are numb so that I can face this test of faith.

I pray that I can fight and be free. Free from the anxiety of coping in public. Free from the judgment of people that just don’t get it. Free from the worry of being a burden to my family.

I pray so that I can be a testimony for those who think that they can’t make it. If they see me thrive then they can endure the pain they feel. If I smile a reflect God’s light the others can see that no matter what God is good.

Oh, he’s done now. Yep, more ear tubes. More antibiotics.

More steroids.

More rinses.

I may be trapped in this endless cycle but I have a story to tell. A story of a God that answers prayers and sets the captives free. A story of how despite being imperfect, I’m the right one to serve His purpose. 

 This is a personal piece that allows you to see the struggles of Primary Ciliary Dyskinesia or PCD patients. It’s a tough disease to endure and there is no cure.  I’m a PCD patient.  If you want more information or you want to contribute to research efforts please visit http://www.PCDfoudation.org